I have no idea if he emailed it that day and something happened or if he back dated it. And you are absolutely right, this person avoids conflict and is a people pleaser who thinks he can build up good behavior credits. The new hr director just started last week. He also sees you as someone he'd casually date instead of be serious about because it means he doesn't have to do too much work. It’s usually that I procrastinate over nothing. Yours and my EUMs are man-boys. However there is still one person in my life who is like this. If your date is always late, you could fuss and fume--or you could find more positive ways of helping them to be on time. People like this -always late/happy for plans to fall through- will NEVER respect your time. Four feckin hours. Perhaps sit with someone else to help you with this – like a therapist. Then, for about a month, I slipped back into my “always 15 minutes late” mode, and ANXIETY returned. Thats right – he was such a deeply unhappy person that getting out of bed was something he did not want to do everyday. Would you blame or shame a loved one or a small child for the same thing? Not every woman can deal with dating a busy man or has the commitment to change things in a relationship to find the best solution to answer How to date a busy man. Also, it helps me with my anxiety because I can break the steps down, and prioritize better. And if you're not, you can do a free 7-day trial via the link in my bio. (Ha ha ha! Could Andy be addicted to a sub conscious form of self harm? Curiosity goes a long way with helping you to learn to listen to yourself. I also did as much as I could before I went to bed. 1. This was his way of making me prove my love. I'll send a quick text letting him know I'm there. There are folks out there who've committed actual crimes who've served far shorter sentences. I didn’t like this as I felt like he wanted to get to know her too because she lived closer to him. I am so worthy of my own respect and love, and especially my time. It is hard to be late when you have ORDER in your life. Yep, thanks Dad. I know why you felt motivated when he (JERK/LIAR) was around because feeling loved and wanted is special. You didn’t deserve the way you were treated by any of those people. I don't do anything to "prepare" for a date possibly being late, but I do use my phone when people are late. I have been dating a guy for 9 weeks and we’ve been exclusive now for 2. We are not in a relationship anymore, but there is this constant dynamic between us where he seems to want to be with me, but then not. I don’t know whether you watched it or not but it may have helped. The worst instance was senior prom. The trouble is, you’d be in danger of straying into ‘Florence’ territory if you expend a lot of energy attempting to fix your partner’s lateness. It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself. Perhaps folk that don’t have anything going on in their lives assume others don’t either. We have a great connection, its very relaxed, there is obviously a physical attraction, he is very respectful yet fun and kind, etc. People are so busy and all they want to do is text. I, like so many of us, have been conditioned, socialised, or as we’d say back home in Ireland, had it bred into me (!!) I hate waiting to transfer to a train that never arrives, realizing that I'm going to be late, and having no way to contact the person who's waiting for me. The most confusing thing was finding that strangers were actually kinder and more attentive than my own parents and this was a bad thing? If he did reply that day, it was a very supportive email on his day off. These were my choices, and I believed I was doing the ‘right’ thing. It was very hard for me to estimate how long it would take me to get somewhere or do something. Apologised & repeated the same behaviour. As a courtesy they gave me 15 minutes. If you’ve ever pined for a particular person, have some compassion. Curiosity goes a long way with helping you to learn to listen to yourself. I didn’t realize this until one of the directors mentioned it in an email. Something I learned from the experience of starting from zero and running a marathon less than four months later as well as how wounded I've felt when things still haven't worked out how I think they should have given ’everything I did’ is that I never learned when enough was enough. The first time around, all this AC-type behavior was new to me, especially coming from a man who pursued me and seemed so interested in me. I always apologize and to do so (be late) is rare. Coworker did not contact me until I was at work on Monday and we happened to run into each other – no overt action on her part. Then Saturday he proceeds to tell me he misses me and wishes he were with me at 6 pm as I was already busy, because this chick has a life. While your man may always be busy and have needs, be sure to address your needs in the relationship as well. and this causes him to sabotage any attempts to do otherwise but be late? I think I was in shock because the reality of what had happened didn’t hit me until the next day. You’re meeting up. It’s helped me work through this a little bit more in my own head. In my career (any career really) the fastest way to get nowhere is to disrespect people’s time and being late is the most blatant way. It is so disrespectful in friendships/dating as well. You are the steward of your boundaries and bandwidth. It usually ranges from 10 minutes to over an hour. I know I’m not in your shoes so I can’t say how I might react – though I have had people trying to steal my work etc. Then they left without me. Sad? I have been on Match.com for about 3 months and there were 3 men I really liked and hit it off (not at the same time; although I listen to your advice and try to date as many men as possible so I won’t over focus on one guy). I have no expectation this will ever happen but I made this list and thought, Wow, I’d respect him if he said that. I put up with this for far too long with my ex-EUM, even though we were together barely 5-6 months. Or to impress me, he would have a list of things he was working on, etc., etc. That is your prerogative. 7. When I would complain about it he would say ‘but I’m here now, aren’t I? Narcissists *always* overplay their hand. As I rounded the corner, there she was having lunch at one of the cafes with a couple of other people from the clinic. The longer I managed to keep any stopped the more confidence, health and self esteem I noticed I gained from it – I kept going until it became silly not to keep it going permanently and the effect of stopping it was just so good for me, in the end I just kept it going naturally. Sometimes we put our hand back into the proverbial fire because we’re trying to be ‘nice’ or ‘giving’. It might even have become a coping mechanism for dealing with an environment with little or no time boundaries. A bit of both I think as she often spontaneously takes little detours even when we are running late for something else. Now he's always on time and/or gives me running updates if he's going to be late. I have to get past this fear/anxiety to do so effectively. Use these first date tips for men to make sure your first date with her isn’t also your last. And we need to be willing to call a spade a spade instead of hoping that the person will spontaneously combust into who we’d prefer them to be. Thick, thicker, thickest. All the people in my life that I have had difficult (toxic) relationships with, have also been people who are exceptionally flaky and late perpetually. We walked to school together. How could I just put my life on hold? I hope that you can find a way to give them back the blame/responsibility, shame that they wrongly dumped in your lap. I don’t know how she has got away with it at work for years (more than 10 years) but her excuse is she is often there late when others have gone – like that somehow makes up for it! He has all the answers and wants to date a girl who will just nod her head and smile. I have come a long way. If we consistently listen to ourselves and learn from those times when we don’t, we will get into a loving, caring, trusting and respectful relationship with ourselves. He may be a great guy, but he’d make a terrible boyfriend. I forgot to say in my older post below – I sometimes verbally state what is going on eg Hey you are touching me! She is engaged to a former athlete who was a super star and is now on TV. This happens just about weekly. I distinctly recall a woman who was pursuing a friendship with me. (yikes!) You have the most important person around right now that you need to LOVE- YOURSELF. It didn’t seem harsh. But we got together for lunch a couple weeks ago and had a great time. What happened when my Dad finally showed up? I asked before to walk with others if they lived near me but this often wasn’t allowed or they weren’t going home and had to be arranged before hand – from this – I know my mother would have killed me if I’d not have been there when she turned up – probably from having a heart attack thinking that something would have happened to me ironically – the worst thing that happened to me in my life stemmed from learned behaviour because of my parents over many experiences – they don’t teach you that in school but they do teach – stranger danger. I realised how wrong my behaviour was, changed and I now make great effort to be on time. I also think it is about insecurity. This was reflected in his inability to hold down a job, his inability to manage his finacnes and his inability to show up with any kind of empathy or sincere emotion. Then he’ll leave you, again, wanting more. He would proudly rush down the stairs with “just barely” enough time to get to the meeting so drove like a maniac to get there with me running in heels to make it and arriving flustered and out of breath. Once, ACMM kept a date but did not have enough free time for our usual booty call antics, but he came by and sat and chatted for a while, saying “he didn’t want me to think he was trying to stand me up”. I am slowly now dealing with sorting out the backlash that came, after I lost the ex therapist, from others connected, when they saw I was unsupported! There are ways around this, you have to find your style of dealing with people, that style has to be professional and has to help you get ahead in your career. Are you actually taking any steps to protect yourself from this increasingly dangerous situation? I have someone like this in my life and I keep in mind the quote – a lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine. Let’s set the record straight. Reader Question: What does it mean when a man says ‘I can’t give you want you want’? I’m sorry she wasn’t compassionate and didn’t help you when you needed her the most (painfully familiar?). If women always tell you, “You’re a great guy but I don’t feel that spark…”. I’m constantly a little late everywhere. This is very timely for me. And we were supposed to have a date last night and tomorrow. Heart of gold. So first, you are always late and then you are not accepting responsibility and blaming the other people for calling you out on it? Take care of you. But if he says yes, then you he likes you. I don’t know what to say I’m horrified. Sorry Andy, but I have zero understanding for your problem. If he has a good reason and is apologetic, I'll totally let it slide. Also in my experience – all good things went wrong spectacularly – so it was also an exercise in protecting myself by distancing myself from my own successes or potential successes. I have been bullied my.entire.life. Some people observed other tardy folk and it became learned behaviour. Neither of those dates went well for other reasons, but being late made it much easier for me to never see them again. I have come to distrust people who are chronically disrespectful of my time. Contradictions: I want to date but I don’t want a relationship but I don’t want to date someone who’s casual either. I feel she puts others in a position of having to wait for her simply because then she will know that if they are willing to wait for her that they will be there for her in her life. What did he do? What do I have to do to be ready to go there? Be honest, and do it at the end of the first date or soon after. What we do or we don’t accept in terms of our own timekeeping and that of others, is personal, so what’s OK for one person or a particular relationship isn’t going to work for another. I’ve been in an experience where I was bullied at work. Hardcore, and most definitely not warranted. When I was in high school, I had a friend who was always late. This is why HR is a problem I think, going to them against a senior person is often really a matter of last resort knowing that perhaps leaving is your only choice after that). and waited. I’m also going to use this anger/rage I feel now that the shock and terror have worn off and channel that into self protection. Now I say WOW and it feels overwhelming. At the time I freeze and then later I feel terrified and hyper vigilant. Mr. Comes On Too Fast Too Quickly- This guy met you yesterday and talks about moving in together today.You had your second date with him on Tuesday and on Wednesday, he is inviting you to family dinner. #baggagereclaim #howtosayno #sayno #healthyboundaries #boundaries #recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #peoplepleasernomore #peoplepleasers #overresponsible #innerchild #innerchildhealing #beingyourself #selfexpression #codependentnomore #listentoyourself #listeningtoyourbody #intuitionquotes #trustyourself #trustyourgut ... One of the things that I’ve noticed is that Professor Life is always trying to get our attention. I personally thought it was shameless to harass people (and she wasn’t joking when she told us to be there on time) then show up 30 minutes late yourself. Reading this post has made me think whether it is passive aggressiveness on her part or does she just spread herself too thin? It could be that in our pursuit of a goal, we’ve lost connection to other things that matter because we’re blinded by who we think we’ll be when we get what we want. Thankfully, you get life experiences and lessons from good ole Professor Life that show you what you couldn't see before. I’ve written a previous answer about a married couple I knew that had this problem. If it happened more than once, I would strongly consider not dating him. You seem to be describing the effect of trauma in your ‘freezing’ as a reaction to threat – remember the impala deer do this in order to survive the lion attack due to their vital signs going crazy all at once and shutting down temporarily – humans who have been through trauma can have the same reaction – your anxiety has a physiological effect on you, as well as emotional/mental and you will shut down temporarily – I have felt deep shame as a result of not reacting to threat – when all you are doing in reality is ensuring your survival as effectively as you can – ps this shows you how dangerous a position you are actually in, if this is being triggered. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. Extremely others-focused, I was some sort of Tasmanian-‘angel.’. That is so incredibly rude, I hope your friend dropped him. The guy who sacrifices and stays late may stand a better chance of weathering storms and getting promotions. There is no lateness gene :). It sounds like your therapist over reacted. Sure, you could text him first. So I don’t fling my chaos at others by being late, but I live in that state of feeling… Ugh “someday” I need to take care of abc and then I could enjoy xyz. Would you hold it over someone else for the same thing? All this brainpower you are expending and conclusion drawing you are doing to understand the “whys” of HIS behavior. But there are times when you have to start documenting things and know when to quit, file a formal complaint etc. Yes, it often means that you go through a phase of wondering if you're the crazy one or the effects of them trying to destroy you, but rest assured: they always fall eventually because they overplay their hand. I knew it would just take time, but some of that time was spent feeling incredibly sad and very depressed. Another time he simply could have invited me inside but obviously wanted to keep me a secret, so instead of doing that or leaving, he kept me waiting. I learned to bum rides. He was a patholigical liar who I sussed out fairly quickly. Usually he checks in, but I could be doing other things. So, you start with your goal and plan it back. Address Your Needs. When I told her I was angry, she said I was overreacting… Then she switched tactics, and said I made her cry (I wasn’t yelling or anything – I calmly said I felt angry about the situation). Andy, it’s promising that you’re self reflective about this and trying to make a change. If I got a heads up and a halfway good reason, then it'd depend on how late they anticipate they'll be. Also the other day he was 30 minutes late to our breakfast date because he had to run an errand but instead of leaving earlier to give himself more time he left at the same time and didn't factor in the errand time. HR will not protect you from scapegoating – they will only protect you from that which is illegal and even then not really (e.g. I think he was definitely  PA too, if anything. If we tend to lose ourselves, often what isn't good for us is the approach. That they are not following guidelines and he will address it at the directors meeting. Instead your needs and feelings were treated as if they didn’t matter, as if you didn’t matter. Cookies help us deliver our Services. I was just seeing the guy in my post above for a month (who I was crushing on for years at my gym) and he also did the same and made plans and didn’t go through twice. OMG talk about a huge pet peeve of mine. For me, it’s always, ALWAYS the same pattern and I get my heart broken every time. I always have a book, so I usually read - but that's the case with anyone I'm meeting, date or not. Who wouldn’t find a way to get there by noon? I let him know that I do not know where the land mines are. The Catch Is That The Guys … Halt. “…if their life is a disaster, they never get out the door in time.” Yes. I told her I didn’t have it. On occasion, I am late, generally because of unforseen circumstances like critters getting loose. I asked if anyone has any practical advice. He doesn't realize how much it bothers me. It’s all about control. No one ever said something was ’too much’, only too little. It is a big red flag. – I am not perfect – but I personally don’t see black and white on this issue, I have experienced, it can be used to emotionally abuse, as any other perceived fault by a willing abuser, and I repeat – depending on the circumstances for someone being late ie the frequency and amount / the situation AND my gut feeling about the relationship in general – depends on how I feel/react when someone turns up late for me. We don’t have to wait until we’re in deep pain and chaos or our back’s against the wall to pay attention, finally say no, or practise self-care. We made plans for Thanksgiving. I guess that’s over and done with. I just thought it would be nice to go to movies or dinner with her sometimes. Playing the game. Anyway, for the first time in my life, I was able to own my anger, and NOT own someone else’s crap. But they always fall. How much will they take? It’s like I keep expecting him to magically transform into the man I thought he was when we first met or the man I see in him some of the time (but clearly it’s just an illusion). Geez. You’re situation is really tough, and it is not your fault. When a guy stares at you, he's into you . So for example, if you want to cook dinner by 5:00 pm, you start with 5:00 pm, and then calculate your cooling time, then cooking time, then preparation, etc, all the way back to the beginning, task, and then you know how much time you need. e.g. I didn't have a number of episodes in mind, and I definitely didn't think I'd make two hundred! It got me thinking… what would cause me to respect my EU? I also want to hug you and tell you he’s an abusive, controlling, manipulative creep and it’s not your fault, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’ll give someone 15 minutes after our agreed upon time. I dumped him flat, via email with two words. Thank you for your support. You didn’t consciously choose to show up late, you were working hard to be on time. I hedge bets a bit more. It’s a good step to warn people if you are running late, but I think you’ll start to feel better about yourself if you start keeping your commitments by showing up when you say you will. The question is how? I have always said it shows a complete lack of respect for anyone or anything on her part but now I understand why she does it. Being late is a choice. Also, link in bio. He told me later that he’d felt really shocked by my response, and that the reason he’d been late was because he’d been tidying his flat so that it was in a fit state for me to visit, and that I should appreciate that. I don’t know what he wants. Being late? I used the family analogy because that’s what this experience represents to me – a replay of the shit that happened in my family. When a guy cancels dates for a family emergency, there’s nothing you can do about it. This keeps you in fact less prepared, worse prepared, more prickly, harder for people to deal with. I am forever holding the fort and picking up her duties that she constantly does not get around to. That made life easier. But you are making a choice to feel like that. All those unexpressed feelings end up getting turned inwards on you, affecting your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health. Putting time and effort into new friendships. I had 2 exes who were late without saying anything. One time she organized a birthday brunch and sent everyone emails telling us we MUST be there at 11 am sharp because the restaurant would not sit anyone unless we were all there. If someone is late to anything(except for my childhood friends-they're always late) I tend to lose interest in that person. Early bird catches the worm. Not every woman can deal with dating a busy man or has the commitment to change things in a relationship to find the best solution to answer How to date a busy man. Talking about him on BR does not make it a relationship. You are. Her lateness never felt like it was done on purpose to control me – like the others did. I mean, it says right on my OKC profile that I am punctual and somewhat irrationally obsessive about it, so take a hint. My friendships are limited as well. Funny how, then, the more I people-pleased and engaged in perfectionism was the worse I felt. there are of course legitimate reasons to be late, but in most cases people who are late are jerks who think their time is more important than yours. We used to get angry and pout, and she would tell us “You better be glad I bothered to pick you up at all.” And my ba$t@rd of a father told us to walk home; it was about three miles. They stressed the importance of being on time when it suited them. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 6. Last week, my podcast, The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, reached the two hundred episodes milestone It was my husband, Em, who suggested I start one, and after a year of faffing about due to, well, perfectionism and overthinking, I finally launched. I have had simple time boundaries for ages. But if this is your friend or your lover perhaps you might want to try to take a higher perspective. BGE was “going to” help me with my “To Do” list. You did deal with it, you’re still standing. ‘It’ wants you to be anxious, vigilant, ready for worse, rehearsing for worse. If he walked up to me and said: 1.I couldn’t offer you what you wanted or deserved. Thirty years later, I leave extra early to make sure I’m on time for people. But, my superiors couldn’t nail me for it because it was the nature of the work environment to be detained for important reasons. I sat there in my dorm room, showered, hair curled, makeup on…. Recognising where I've demanded too much of myself has allowed me to extend self-compassion to my younger self, to learn to take care of me, and to make way for decent experiences going forward because I'm willing to trust myself and listen to my body. What kind of man, knowing that someone likes you a lot and wants to hang out, wouldn’t just respond and say he’s not interested if he’s not?. Habitually late people have an element of passive aggression in there and some will have people pleasing in there too. Every last thing we do as humans is about trying to meet our emotional needs. You have ZERO responsibility for ANYTHING that happened when you were a child. If the boss wants us there then it is wise for us to stay. I am beginning to realise that for some people it shows up in perpetual lateness. Now, not every guy is waiting for his Jessica Alba, but there might be a gal he has been waiting for. You worked up the courage to ask that gorgeous girl out, and now you’re going on a first date. If you say yes because you basically emotionally blackmailed you into it, you were afraid to say, or you didn’t consider you as a human being and acted like you have no needs or that it's ok for you to suffer instead of saying no, your yes is inauthentic and problematic. Link in bio and available on all podcast players. Well done Elgie – I enjoy it also and you are so right about the anxiety – and of also offending people unnecessarily. Well I am usually always on time. I come from a family who are never on time for anything and I’ve always put it down to that. Unfortunately, when I’m around very dominate, aggressive people – bullies – like my father, and they are targeting me directly, a switch is flipped. I’ve been working my ass off, for myself, to learn how to protect myself without running away. She didn’t seem to interested after two dates, so I didn’t bother asking for a third. I was raised by a woman who was habitually late. I’m going to document everything and if he escalates, I will quit and will let HR know why I quit. Even if a habitually late person (who is also engaging in people pleasing in some other aspect of their life) recognises that they’re out of order for being late, on some level they rationalise that because they do [whatever the pleasing is] this gives them credits to be late. “You do like me, don’t you?” is what it sounds like. You’ll be pleased to hear I have woken up and smelled the coffee. They manage to accommodate for possible traffic, be responsible, and leave early enough to get to our appointed meeting place without any issues. Yep I was engaged at one point and consumed with him. Truly, very foolish of me. 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My last job, the online course idiot or someone gullible for our first date some... Trust me: a man input and patience with the long-winded post millennials.